Category: Modern Life is Rubbish
Stereotype Shootout #2
Presenting the second in a series entitled ‘Stereotype Shoot-Out’, in which I shall dispel common preconceptions and pre-conceived notions associated with writers and writing.
#2 You can’t make a living as a writer. (Or you’ll be a starving artist)
The biggest preconceived notion about writing and creative arts in general makes me livid. Not because it’s true, but usually it is often used to dissuade aspirants. I’m not sure what it is about the arts that tends to make people believe aspirants must be brought down to earth with a huge thud. Perhaps in certain cases of talentless clods a barbed comment can be the kindest thing to say to them: “Don’t give up the day job.” or “You’re shit and you know it.”
But to cite a bleak financial future as a sole reason for not trying or persisting is reductive. You may not be able live off the earnings from your writing but ask yourself if can you live without writing? I won’t presume to offer advice on how to juggle the demands of working and writing but if it really matters, your writing is your life-support and not vice versa.
Like this:
Create Your Own Chinese Period Drama TV Serial
According to the creator of The Twilight Zone, the late great Rod Serling, writing for TV is like being a plow. In the case of these Chinese costume serials, the writers must be digging a very deep trench.
1) The heroine is:
a) A poor servant-girl bought from her family after some natural disaster wiped out her entire village.
b) A poor orphan sold as a concubine to a rich patriarchal merchant-class family/ royal family.
c) A poor girl sold into prostituition and then sold on as a concubine to a rich patriarchal merchant-class family.
d) A poor girl whose mother was sold into prostituition and then sold on as a concubine to a rich patriarchal merchant-class family/ royal family.
2) The heroine’s love-interest is:
a) The eldest son of the patriarchal family.
b) The younger brother/ best friend of the eldest son of the patriarchal family.
c) The captain of the guard of the royal family.
d) The son of the antagonistic patriarchal family.
3) The main antagonist is:
a) The cast-off first wife who wears pearls in her coiffed hair.
b) The matriarch of the family
c) The town gossip.
d) All of the above combined into one character due to TV budgetary constrictions.
4) The comic-relief is provided by:
a) A physically handicapped fat kid.
b) A pair of well-meaning but dim servants who are on the heroine’s side.
c) The flirtatious interplay between the heroine’s best friend and another lower male servant.
d) A pair of eunuchs. Sometimes the pair referred to in (c).
5) Every episode MUST contain scenes of:
a) Conspiratorial second glances, close-ups and quick zooms of the actors’ faces.
b) Copious weeping.
c) Some character’s mother banging her heads against the floor or next available pillar, imploring the antagonist to spare their offspring’s life.
d) The heroine stoically rebuffing the hero’s romantic intentions, with more copious weeping.
6) Every week must end on a cliffhanger. Choose one of the following:
a) The heroine faces rape at the hands of the patriarch of the family.
b) The heroine is raped and is forced to marry her rapist.
c) The antagonist commands the heroine to be raped by one of her sons/ servants. And (b) is the continuing story arc.
d) The hero is wrongfully accused of raping the heroine’s best friend and the heroine must clear his name in a climatic court scene, during which the hero’s mother implores the chief justice for mercy and bangs her head on the floor/pillar.
7) Costumes should be made according to the following specifications:
a) Yak hair wigs and false beards for the men.
b) Flyaway hair extensions for the ladies, that fly away during action scenes.
c) Appalling synthetic silks in florescent colours
d) Utter disregard for historical accuracy.
8. Essential props and scene decor:
a) Inlaid mother-of-pearl furniture. And tea-sets and figurines to put on top of the furniture.
b) Gallons of glycerin for the copious weeping
c) Sliding doors made out of rice-paper.
d) Plastic swords- or failing to procure these; stiff cardboard covered with tin foil
9) The target demographic for such TV serials consists of:
a) Bored housewives
b) Desperately bored housewives
c) Desperate housewives who are bored
d) Housewives who feel neither bored or desperate, but cannot decide until they tune in.
10) The soundtrack for the serial MUST include:
a) A namby-pamby title song sung over the opening and closing credits. Available to download as a ringtone.
b) Lots of percussion and woodwind. As if the session- musicians were trying to exorcise evil spirits.
c) Blatant copyright-infringing use of theme tunes from well-known movies such as ‘Star Wars’, ‘Gladiator’, ‘The Godfather’ and ‘Titanic’.
d) Bizarre use of jazz-guitar picking out arpeggios on the oriental scale, during scenes of copious weeping.
Like this:
Eyeless In Plaza
Makes you feel like a rodent in a labrinyth-type construct....
The laws of perception do not seem to apply inside a shopping mall – the lines converge and wrap around you and your sense of up and down is challenged- where are those escalators going? Why do they criss-cross? There are too many flashing lights and people here – Mum and Dad can we go home now?
The French poet Charles Baudelaire defined the ‘flaneur’ as “a person who walks the city in order to experience it” and a “botanist of the sidewalk”. We are all flaneurs and must adopt the detached view of a botanist (sometimes I feel like a zoologist) in order to survive the mall. Now, the 19th century flaneur is off the street and the sidewalk. He is thrust inside the arcades- an artificial construct whereby the street is now indoors- is there ever a need to step outside again?
Its too easy to disappear inside high-tech climate-controlled comfort and have access to food and drink from all over the world. The food court offers up Japanese, Korean, Iranian, Italian and French dishes on uniform plastic trays. Not feeling adventurous? McDonalds, Starbucks and Krispy Kreme Donuts have leveled the playing-field on the lower ground floor. Designer shops took care of the upper floors but kids can go play in the creche.
Its too easy….hereby lies a warning.
